"In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety."
I read this quote today on facebook from a friend's post. A lot had been going on in our lives lately, some of which is quite personal, and at first I thought it not too smart to post drama, but if I'm keeping a journal, I might as well keep a journal right? The universe shifts and shifts and the wheel in the sky keeps turning. In 2011 I lost 3 very close friends of mine. Not to death, but to changes of heart. I almost lost my husband even to my own stubborn ways, always trying to be independant, selfish, "creative".
My love, Richie, and I have a dream and we've had it since we fell in love. We dreamt of having our babies and living under the stars. Like the song "I'd like to jump up on a star and make another day underneath". The feeling of freedom we would get running the streets at night, swimming in the water at the department of water and power building parking lot, riding bikes in our wetsuits in the rain downtown, hiking steep crumbling mountains pregnant, adventuring daily, living life. We were so happy and were adament about keeping it up after the babies were born even. The trap of the daily life gets in the way a lot. We struggle to keep pushing it away, we live alternatively. We spend a lot of time taking the children out into nature and living off of the land. It's a fairy tale life. We breath in the ocean air, we dig our feet in the sand, we dance in the rain, take new adventures often, new hiking trails, new jungles, new ponds and rivers and lakes. We meet new days and love and love and love. We push our lame reality of existence in society further and further from our grasps. Our actual dream is to check out completely and live in a Eurovan traveling with the boys across great America discovering new destinations and living off the land again but in a real sense, complete vagabonds, meeting new wonderful landscapes and deep hearted culture. So we have wine, we dream more, we trip around under the stars laying in the sweet grass, and wake up once again further from our reality and mock-ups as civilized people in a working society. Luckily we are photographers, so this works for us. But, the contrast between our mock-up and our harsh reality gets us down. The children have needs, we have needs, life is pulling at our ankles. So what is the best way to live the dream and work in modern society? Balance. We cant just check out, right? So we decided and with a lot of really evaluating it that we needed to step forward into growth by getting everything in our lives structured and aligned. Freedom from the chains of life comes with our decisions as to what we "really" want out of the rest of our journey here. I really honestly decided that I want to put my photography as "work" on hold and back Richie and his career 100%. A lot of people may find this crazy, but I know in my heart that this is the right choice. I have been doing a lot of "work". Work brings me money, but it also brings my mind out of my mommy mockup. When I am 100% devoted to my children, I am given so many precious gifts daily that I would never even have experienced while juggling both things. There are so many moments already in the 2 -3 days I've done a trial with it that I know wouldn't have existed if I hadn't given them my 100% attention and created it. With 100% focus on the children, they become more loved, I feel like I'm wearing my hat as a mother more strongly and appropriately, and I feel more creative than ever. I can give them "me" more than I ever could before, and it's not selfish. It's real, present time happiness. It's LOVE. My art is something that comes naturally. It's not a choice. It exists, and it will always exist. I photograph what inspires me. While in the moment with them, which is really where I am now, I feel more creative than ever. I no longer shoot pictures for people on commission. I don't think or stress about getting somebody their images, I just create. It's bliss. And Richie works every day in the office. He shoots and shoots and does all the dirty work. He sacrifices time with his children, but we all prosper. Then, our dream of checking out will become more realistic because all of our hats will be being worn properly. My children will feel the shift, and Richie and I will feel it too. We will be closer and closer to our dream of freedom and living in what little nature is left on this worn planet. I am soooo excited about this new adventure in our lives. I don't feel like I'm giving anything up, which a couple of my friends were so frantically worrying about today. If anything, I'm giving up old habits, stagnate jobs, flatlining work, reinventing myself, and coming back with more vigor than ever. I am on a soul journey as always:)